Twilight Fan Fic #00002

Author's Note: 


This piece was originally titled "Twilight Fan Fic #00001 as I (erroneously) believed that I would be starting a new trend in writing what I was referring to as Twilight "Fan Fic." As it turns out, there has already been a piece of Twilight Fan Fic written (there may be more, for obvious reasons I didn't look too closely into it) so I have called this "Twilight Fan Fic #00002" and would like to make it clear to my beloved readers - sometimes as many as 5 a day - that I do not have a "beta" #00001 nor 
am I intending to write 10,000 Twilight Fan Fics!


In all seriousness I would like to make it clear I didn't sit down and write this off my own back, it came about as a combination of a discussion about Twilight and a "writing challenge!" Please don't lose too much respect for me!



Flying up in the air, aloft through the heavens, the celestial majesty all around him as he soared. Then down, down, the inevitable descent as Edward Cullen threw himself off a cliff.

Questions raced through his mind, why are we all here? What is our place in the universe? And why did he sparkle in the sunlight? If there was a god, Edward thought as he plummeted towards the emerald and saphire ocean, was he stupid? The great creator who made sparkling vampires? It made no sense to Edward.

Instinctively, Edward knew he wouldn't die, even as he fell. If he was a "real" vampire, he'd turn himself into a bat. Edward had once managed to transform, but into a lemur - the animal of shame - and that wouldn't help here.

Twinkle, twinkle little star, thought Edward as he fell and the sun shone upon him. He thought of his wife. He thought of her smiling, of her crying, of her angry, happy, sad, hungry and confused. It was odd, he thought, that in all those thoughts her facial expression was the same.

A seagull landed on his back. Finally after 104 years, Edward had done something useful. But his usefulness would soon end as...

Whack.

Edward hit the rocks.


Dedicated to Stephanie Meyer - Keep on Dreaming!


(But when you do, stay away from a typewriter. Please.)

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Part 1 of 11

The Tale of Max

Now this is the tale of an elephant named Max,
Who one day decided to send out a fax!
A fax is like email, but you have to use paper,
So settle down and listen to this heart-warming caper!

So Max left his house and he walked down the road,
But he hadn't gone far, when he met his friend Toad!

"So where are you going?" The Toad asked our Max,
"I'm going," Max told him, "To send off a fax!"
"A fax?" Toad exclaimed, "Why not send a letter?"
"Because," Max explained, "A fax is much better!"

So Max kept on walking, along down the street,
And soon he discovered, a Mouse at his feet!

"Good Day!" Said the Mouse, "Where are you off to Max?"
"I'm going," Max told Mouse, "To send off a fax!"
"To fax?" The Mouse cried, "Is email not good?"
"It may be," Max muttered, "But I never would!"

So Max kept on walking and left Mouse behind,
The thought of his faxing was filling his mind!

Soon Max reached his office, and found the machine,
But the machine was all dusty, so he gave it a clean!
He wrote out in his fax, in a clear memorandum,
Then he sent out his fax, to people at random!

If you think this story, was funny and good,
It wasn't, the last verse doesn't rhyme!

The Trial

Geoff’s Trial:

There is another tale to tell, I’ll tell it if you’re quiet,

For more happened, to our friend Geoff, when he’d blown away that riot!

Of this tale too, our Geoff’s the star, on that you can be certain,

This tale begins, one Monday morn, as Geoff’s drawing the curtain!

“’Ello, ello, ello, up there!” Came calls from Geoff’s front lawn,

“I’d like to ask you, if I may, about the other morn!”

In fact, that other morn there’d been, a little spot of trouble,

A mob had got in our Geoff’s way, and he’d shot them into rubble!

And now the law had caught him up, and Geoff began to worry,

For he was late for work again, he knew he’d have to hurry!

“You’ve got the wrong address!” He cried, “For surely, I’m no dastard”

“I think you’ll find that sir, you are, you naughty, naughty man!”

Geoff knew that he was banged to rights, with no way out of this one,

In desperation he cried out, “I wish I had a scone!”

The policeman was quite merciful; with Geoff he picked no bone,

And so before he took him in, he bought our friend a scone!

And at the trial, for it did come, Geoff argued “Self Defence,

The riotous mob insulted me, and caused me great offence!”

And upon hearing our Geoff’s plight, the jury felt quite sorry,

Their verdict was “Let him go free, let’s give him no more worry!”

And so for now our tale is done, Geoff has a happy ending,

The mob had broken his poor heart, but now it can start mending!

Geoff

Geoff:
The hero of this tale is Geoff and you will soon see why,
A bowler hat upon his head and monocle in his eye!
He has no time to stop and speak, he’s really in a hurry,
‘Cause he’s a stockbroker you see, so all he does is worry!
He spends his days a’ trading, with Traders in New York,
He has no time to stop and think, he must bring in the pork!
One day when on his way to work, Geoff spied a protest mob,
They took one look at our friend Geoff and insults they did lob!
The took no issue with Geoff’s looks, but ‘cause he was a banker,
The mob decided this must mean he wasn’t very nice!
But the mob forgot one crucial fact, which I will now relate,
They stood behind our Geoff and work - and he was nearly late!
And so he gave a mighty roar and with one fluid motion,
He drew his gun and shot the lot without any emotion!
Geoff’s a hero I began, but it wasn’t truthfully,
For I was scared that, had I not, he might have well shot me!